Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Don't you hate it when your friend emails you while on vacation to tell you what a FAB-U-LOUS time they're having laying around half naked on a beach drinking free Long Island Iced Tea from a thermos and playing golf in 80 degree weather? Well I sure as hell do.

What's even MORE fun is when your parents do it. And by fun, I mean I wish I was adopted. There's still time Angelina and Brad.

Basically my parents being on vacation brings me back to my emotionally crippling childhood and the fact that my parents went on vacation every year. WITHOUT my sister and I. (Except this one time when I was 10 and all four of us drove from Nova Scotia to Virginia in a Buick with my gastro-intestinally challenged Uncle. Did I mention the lack of air conditioning? Note to self: the smell of 5-day old ass really hangs around a Buick interior. Hightlights of the trip included me fainting in line waiting to tour the White House, swimming in the hotel pool atrium during a thunder and lightening storm, and peeing my pants at the top of the replica Eiffel Tower). Ah memories.

Now that I have kids of my own, I can understand why my parents might have wanted to get away once in a while. ONCE IN A WHILE.

But my parents still go at least once a year sans kids. Right now they're in Florida. And emailing updates of their jet-setting snowbirding adventures south of the border in Yankeeland. Or calling...

Call #1 (Time: 10:45 pm, Paul and I are in bed)
Me: [Caller ID reveals it's Mom's cell] "Hello?"
Me: "Hello?"
Nothing. I hang up.

Call #2 (Time: 10:46pm, still in bed)
Me: [Caller ID reveals it's Mom's cell, getting worried] "Hello?"
Me: "Hello? HELLO?"
Nothing. I hang up.
Paul: "It must be important, I hope everything's ok."

Call #3 (Time: 10:47pm, half out of bed) 
Me: [Caller ID reveals it's Mom's cell, again, even more worried] "Hello?"
Me: "Hellooooooo?"
Nothing. I hang up.
Paul: "Geesh, I hope nobody died."

I am reminded again of my childhood when my parents went to Cuba, and my dad electrocuted himself plugging the hairdryer into the wallsocket. Luckily my Mom is a nurse.

Call #4 (Time: 10:49pm, standing up pacing)
Me: [Caller ID reveals it's Mom's cell yet again, and now I'm getting slightly frustrated] "You've got to be f@#$ing kidding me?"
Me: "Mom, if you can hear me, I can't hear you!"
Nothing. I hang up.

Call #5 (Time: 10:51pm)
Me: [Caller ID reveals surprise surprise it's Mom's cell, I'm laughing hysterically by this point because what else are you going to do.]
Me: "Hello?"
Mom: "Hi honey! Oh, were you in bed?"
Me: "What? Um, yes, Paul and I were trying to get some sleep. Mom, it's almost 11pm here and this is the fifth time you've called."
Mom: "It is?" (laughs)
Me: "Yes, Mom." I regaled the tales of the 5 phone calls, pretty much exactly as written above which only makes my Mom laugh even harder. Plus I'm really funny when I'm overtired. She tries to explain the situation to my dad, aunt and uncle who I can hear yaking in the background.
Mom: "Oh, well I'm not wearing a watch."
Me: "Uh huh. Well, get one."

Unphased, my Mom continues to tell me how beautiful Florida is, the weather is so warm, the beach is fanfuckingtastic, the people are so amazing they poop gold bars. I'm happy for them and everything but the closest thing I've been to a vacation-vacation was during March Break three years ago in winter.

Ok, so I'm slightly jealous. Maybe I'll make myself a Long Island Iced Tea.


  1. Very funny Sis. I'm feeling bad for the kids because like mom, any vacation I'm thinking of this summer is without them :( I'm a mean mommy. Actually this summer Troy & I took off a full week with the kids & we'll travel to your house, mom & dads and Karen & Michael's.

  2. OMG that was so funny I would feel the same way lol. Tell Paul to put some tiki torches on the deck, a heater, pour a glass of his famous wine and play some Cuban music, then baby you are almost there. Love Ya!! Auntie B.

  3. Very funny Erika but you really do not have the memory I thought you did. Hey, I am here to tell the real story, we did family vacations every summer for one to two weeks. Do you remember the summer of going across Nova Scotia to all musuems getting your books stamped? Do you remember our vacations in the valley or Cape Breton? Do you remember our travel trailer or camper? I have pictures. Signed MJ

  4. Thanks Auntie B!

    MJ: Michael Jackson? Actually Mom, I do remember the book stamping (I wish I still had that!). And the travel trailer (the one I lived in the summer I turned 13). And the camper (the one I smeared poop on). I'm all vacationed up when it comes to Nova Scotia. Those memories are just waiting for amatuer comedy night at YukYuks ;)


Give a dick? Then say something!