Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

Much like the countdown to Christmas, there was a countdown to the new (and first!) H&M store at the city mall. For two months shoppers got to look longingly at the humungo posters announcing its big reveal date.

Now I had never been in an H&M store before. I had no idea the wonders that awaited me. How many times had I spotted a need-to-have outfit in Glamour only to learn the outfit was available exclusively at H&M? Too many times. Or so my therapist will tell you.

The grand opening was taking place during our honeymoon. But in true Erika-style, I creatively (and carefully) arranged for us to be back in the city by then.

I was giddy when we got to the mall. I had to wait no more. Finally new and exciting fashions were a credit card swipe away. Security was tight. "Guards" were posted at each of the entrances. One of them gave me the twice-over. Sure, I was carrying a bag big enough to stow a small child. But seriously, does this look like the face of a shoplifter? *Gives innocent hot chick look.* Exactly.

I strolled around the store. Real nonchalant like. All the while I was screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" like a retail orgasmic Megan Ryan. And then it hit me. Wait a minute. Wait just a @#$*ing minute. This is IT? These are the clothes I've been lusting for? This can't be. I hunkered down, and went hunting. Maybe I just wasn't paying close enough attention. I'm sure the cool clothes were right in front of me.

Then I spotted it. A cute shirt. FINALLY! I casually sauntered up to it. Ran my fingers over the collar and down the sleeve. Now this is more like it. And then I looked up...what the @#$*? I was in the Maternity section. Maybe, just maybe I could pull it off. Not look pregnant or anything, but make a maternity shirt seem less maternity, and more mama mia.

Or not.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


Hotmail (or Live.com) or whatever catchy name you're calling yourself this week, I have a bone to pick with you. When I created this blog, Life With Dick, I was so excited when I learned that lifewithdick@live.com was an available email name. I filled in your form, I accepted your terms, and what's the thanks I get? You delete my email account. Pricks.

So, I signed up again today. But I added "blog" to the end of the address in hopes that some shmuck who reads these email address requests will catch on that I'm not just some big dick lover. Nay, I am an educated big dick lover, come writer.

While lifewithdickblog@live.com is not as catchy as lifewithdick@live.com, I will have to rise above. Hotmail you suck.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Dear Mother Nature,

Thanks for getting me a wedding present - my period. Although, I don`t remember registering for that at Sears.

So much for having lots of wedding night sex! Luckily my groom got too tipsy and passed out. Like you`re going to be around tomorrow night to help me talk my way out of this one.

I guess what they say about marriage and no sex is true.

Thanks again,


We Did!

Well, it's official. Paul and I said "I do." It still hasn't sunk in yet. I am Mrs. Paul. Or to be exact, I'm Mrs. Dick. Paul's first name is actually Richard. But he goes by his middle name. Catch up - things are going to get more complicated.

So, where was I? Ah yes, the big day.

Despite getting a very big case of the "oh-my-god-I-am-so-nervous" gitters just before I walked down the isle, things went smoothly. Well, "smoothly" is a nice way of saying it all worked out well in the end. A quick pep talk from my sis, and a bitch slap from my photographer did the trick.

We laughed. We cried. Paul couldn't get the ring on my finger, so I yelled, "push honey, push." Ah memories.

I did not get seasick over the side of the ship. So that was good. Although I drank a wee bit too much wine. Well, "wee bit" is a nice way of saying Lindsay Lohen would have told me to slow down. Not so good. But in my defense, I hadn't eaten since breakfast. Luckily Paul didn't seem to notice. He was too busy looking at me with goo goo eyes.

At the end of the evening, we did something we've never done before (and were saving until our wedding night) - we danced! Geeze, what were you thinking? Sure, it was slightly awkward, and uncoordinated but what can one expect for their first time dancing together? We felt like teenagers.

We didn't get to bed until almost 3am. I didn't want the night to end. It was all so fabulous and amazing. After all of those bad dates with jerks, it was all worth it for this moment. For this man.