Bean Counter

Current weight = ?
Number of days without jelly beans = 0
Number of jelly beans consumed today = 22
Number of calories per 14 jelly beans = 10
Number of calories consumed from jelly beans today = 172
Number of calories burned during lunch time workout = 104
Number of calories actually burned today = minus 68

Now I remember why I never liked math much.

Calorie [Mis]Count

A coworker brought an elliptical machine into work, one they just had laying around the house [clothing rack]. It was parked it in the office "common area" [vacant cubicle].

It was a noble effort to help our healthy workplace initiative It was the start of our exercise more, eat less crap initiative.

After weeks of admiring the elliptical from afar [stubbed my toe on it once] I decided to get my ass in gear and give it a go. Back when I used to have a gym membership [when blackberries were just really yummy fruit] I used to be quite the exercise machine queen. Well, more of a drama queen who likes to exercise. But who am I to split hairs. If it's one thing I can't stand, it's split ends.

Perhaps some office exhaustion would be just the thing to take my mind off my jelly bean cravings.

It's always good to start off a new exercise plan on a Monday [Monday is the suckiest day of the week, and couldn't possibly suck any more by sweating your ass off followed by sitting around the office stewing in your own sweat juices]. Monday. The day I remembered my workout clothes. But no MP3 player. Ok, meditation it is.

It always takes a couple minutes to get used to swear at the controls on a you've-never-used-it-before exercise machine. Luckily, I'm a natural with gadgets [I just hopped on and started moving my feet]. It was so quiet without my tunes. Let's be honest, working out is just not as inspirational without "Eye of the Tiger" blaring.

I must have been the first one to use the elliptical in a while, it had the tell-tale sign of abandonment [squeaked like a bed during twenty-something marathon sex]. Ok, meditation is out.

I was stunned by how hard it was. Sure, I'd never used an elliptical machine before, but I was no stranger to the treadmill or stepper. Ok, it had been a while since my last mechanical workout but seriously...is it supposed to be this hard? Um, that was a rhetorical question.

After 5 mintues I was drained. But I kept going out of sheer stubborness [I am a natural redhead after all]. I started pressing random buttons, trying to locate the tension [it was on the hardest setting].

Next my focus switched to the calorie count. I couldn't believe it - 263 calories in only 9 minutes! I am woman, hear me roar. Or pant. Panting is all you'll get right about now. My only thought - I might actually burn off that chocolate bar I ate during my coffee break [might = doubted]. Imagine my disappointment when I realized I was reading the wrong screen. I didn't burn 263 calories, I had "traveled" 2.63 kilometers. My calorie burn was only at 62.

I stuck it out for 12 minutes, and 92 calories. It wasn't one of my finer moments. Or one of my firmer moments. But it's a start. And I didn't think of jelly beans once. Until now.

Junkie

Lately, I have realized something. And it's major. *Takes deep breath*

I. Am. A. Junkie.

And my insatiable craving of choice...Jelly beans. Sweet sugary colorful little jelly beans.

Sure, sure laugh it up. I did at first. Personally, I blame "sounds like Toppers Hug Mart", our local drug store. How ironic is that my addiction to Jelly Beans started in a drug store? That was a rhetorical question.

Anyhoo, "sounds like Toppers Hug Mart" was having a sale on Jelly Beans (or as they are known on the street, JB). It was $0.99 CDN for a bag. So I bought one.

It was so good. I savoured every bean (except the black ones, no offense, but I've never cared for the taste of black licorice much). I ate the whole bag in one afternoon. Sure, sure, I shared some with my coworkers. After all, if I'm packing on the pounds, I want them right along with me for the ride. Yeah, I'm thoughtful like that.

I told myself I ate the whole bag because I needed the sugar to get through the rest of the afternoon at work. But the same thing happened the next day. I told myself it's just because they are on sale, once the sale's over, I'll quit the JB, cold turkey.

That was 2 months ago. They're still on sale (now down to $0.79). And they got me hooked. Buying just one bag doesn't do it for me anymore, I have to buy two bags just to get that same sugar rush feeling.

I realized my habit was becoming a problem when I started to feel embarrassed taking a bag of Jelly Beans up to the cash register each and every day. I wondered if the "sounds like Toppers Hug Mart" employees whispered about me behind my back [here she is again boys, the Jelly Bean girl]. Cashiers can be so cruel.

Then I started to see who was working at the cash before taking my purchase up. Was it the same guy as yesterday? Monday? I felt relief when it was someone completely different. They wouldn't judge me. Me and my Jelly Beans.

After a while that stopped working. Every cashier at the store knew my little secret. So, I started buying other things to accompany my JB bag purchase. Sure, I didn't need deodorant that day, but I would need it some day, right? I didn't exactly need that can of tuna, or can of bug spray either (it's 15 C here in Canada right now, all the bugs are dead). But I'd need those items some day, right?

I said right?

I even started eating the black jelly beans. I couldn't bare to throw them out anymore. And you know what, now I like them too. Once you go black, you never go back.

Yes, I know, I have a problem. My name is Erika, and I'm a Jelly Bean eater.

Hop, Skip and A Jump

Nothing beats a great pencil skirt, unless ofcourse it's a great pencil skirt which was given to you for free from your stylist S-I-L (sister-in-law).

I went for my usual morning [decaf] coffee run. Not that there was much running. In fact, my pencil skirt was so...form fitting that my normal 10 minute jaunt, took 25 minutes of very small, hip swivelling steps. I felt like a 1950's secretary. It was exhausting.

The rubber necking from the construction workers on the street made it worth the trouble. That is until I returned to my office building, only to learn my skirt was too tight to climb back up the steps to my building.

So, being the crafty do-it-yourself kinda gal, I put my peep-toe heels together and hopped up each and every step. Sure, I probably looked a bit off. After all, hopping isn't exactly sexy unless you're hanging out with Hugh Hefner. But I made it back to my desk. Coffee intact. Pride...not so much.