Calorie [Mis]Count

A coworker brought an elliptical machine into work, one they just had laying around the house [clothing rack]. It was parked it in the office "common area" [vacant cubicle].

It was a noble effort to help our healthy workplace initiative It was the start of our exercise more, eat less crap initiative.

After weeks of admiring the elliptical from afar [stubbed my toe on it once] I decided to get my ass in gear and give it a go. Back when I used to have a gym membership [when blackberries were just really yummy fruit] I used to be quite the exercise machine queen. Well, more of a drama queen who likes to exercise. But who am I to split hairs. If it's one thing I can't stand, it's split ends.

Perhaps some office exhaustion would be just the thing to take my mind off my jelly bean cravings.

It's always good to start off a new exercise plan on a Monday [Monday is the suckiest day of the week, and couldn't possibly suck any more by sweating your ass off followed by sitting around the office stewing in your own sweat juices]. Monday. The day I remembered my workout clothes. But no MP3 player. Ok, meditation it is.

It always takes a couple minutes to get used to swear at the controls on a you've-never-used-it-before exercise machine. Luckily, I'm a natural with gadgets [I just hopped on and started moving my feet]. It was so quiet without my tunes. Let's be honest, working out is just not as inspirational without "Eye of the Tiger" blaring.

I must have been the first one to use the elliptical in a while, it had the tell-tale sign of abandonment [squeaked like a bed during twenty-something marathon sex]. Ok, meditation is out.

I was stunned by how hard it was. Sure, I'd never used an elliptical machine before, but I was no stranger to the treadmill or stepper. Ok, it had been a while since my last mechanical workout but seriously...is it supposed to be this hard? Um, that was a rhetorical question.

After 5 mintues I was drained. But I kept going out of sheer stubborness [I am a natural redhead after all]. I started pressing random buttons, trying to locate the tension [it was on the hardest setting].

Next my focus switched to the calorie count. I couldn't believe it - 263 calories in only 9 minutes! I am woman, hear me roar. Or pant. Panting is all you'll get right about now. My only thought - I might actually burn off that chocolate bar I ate during my coffee break [might = doubted]. Imagine my disappointment when I realized I was reading the wrong screen. I didn't burn 263 calories, I had "traveled" 2.63 kilometers. My calorie burn was only at 62.

I stuck it out for 12 minutes, and 92 calories. It wasn't one of my finer moments. Or one of my firmer moments. But it's a start. And I didn't think of jelly beans once. Until now.