LIFE WITH DICK

Little Squirt

2012-01-24T17:03:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with my Mum tonight and Dad decided to join in. It always makes for interesting convo when Dad's on the other extension.

After catching up on the weekend, we got to talking about hair. We were laughing about the time I cut all my hair off within an inch of its life. My Dad was not so crazy about the idea then. And he's not so crazy about the idea now. He's very opinionated about my hair. Funny enough, he doesn't have any.

Anyhoo, I was saying how every one needs to do their own thing with their hair. And my motto, especially when it came to that particular hair cut was "live and learn." Diddo for the time I couldn't be patient and wait for my bangs to grow so I shaved them off. Right before a professional photo shoot.

The three of us started dishing on the hair wizardry of a local salon talon and how she once convinced me to perm my [uber naturally curly] hair.

Mum: "I don't remember that!"
Me: "I do. And so does my therapist."
Mum: "I don't think I would have let her do that to your hair. Where was I?"
Me: "Mom, you were right there. She convinced us that the perm would "counter balance" my natural curl."
Mum: [laughing] "I really don't remember that! When was this?"
Me: "It was the summer before Grade 9. Remember, I had to walk around town with a mini-spray bottle of water in my pocket so I could keep spritzing my hair so it would stay wet. It went totally frizzy when it dried. I spent the whole summer looking like a) I took A LOT of showers or b) I had a major sweating problem."
Dad: "Ha! Live and learn."
Mum: "I'm going to have to dig out some old photos!"
Me: "Mum, I think my therapist wants to meet you."

That's Shitty

2012-01-03T17:18:00.000-08:00

Warning: the following post contains references written in bad taste and should not be read while consuming food.

I survived my first day back at work. AND lost 5 pounds. Bonus.

My anxiety level was so high about leaving my baby girl at daycare that I spent most of the early morning surpressing vomit.

Multiple coffees later...

The vomit, which didn't like being contained and pushed down and mixed with a diarrhetic, migrated further south. And roared.

Not wanting to offend everyone in the office by using the one shared washroom, I weighed my options. Quickly.

Option #1: the public washroom. Bonuses: it has three stalls. Cons: it would be a lose-lose situation. If you take the middle stall and [blam!] someone comes in, you have a person on either side of you hearing the blow by blow. Take either end stall and the poor unsuspecting SOB has to walk thru the smog.

Option #2: the handicapped washroom (also the only option which offered any real privacy). Bonuses: located at the end of the hallway. Cons: located at the end of the hallway.

Pardon the pun, but I went with option #2. Ungodly sounds and smells erupted. I think I even saw Moses. All the while, I was hoping the sound didn't echo into our office boardroom. I tried to be quick, and inconspicous. After washing my hands five times, I paused to listen for any movement in the hallwall. I needed to make a quick escape. Unfortunately, to make sure the smell stayed corralled, I had to pull the door almost closed, leaving a mere inch of ventilation. I felt so guilty, after all, handicapped people probably have a hard enough time getting to an accessible washroom only to be confronted with the horror that lay in wait.

Luckily I escaped undetected. Until they read this.

Eatin' Pants

2012-01-02T13:14:00.000-08:00

A New Year! Ahhhhhh, I love that New Year feeling. And that New Year smell. Yum. Unless you drank too much, then perhaps some Lysol spray is in order. And possibly a shower. Have you no self-respect? Um, that was rhetorical.

For some (myself not included) the beginning of a new year is a time to make some resolutions to do something you should be doing now but for whatever reason (insert lame excuse here) it hasn't happened. But goodness knows, there's nothing like a new year to make you get off the couch and get busy making your life happen.

Personally, I don't make resolutions. I prefer to make life happen an all-year-round event.

The perfect New Year's Day consists of super cleaning my house while enjoying a glass of white wine, and giving my closet a good going over. Clean house, clean mind. And this year was no different.

I purged my closet of things that were torn, were too small, too big, too summery, too black, and anything that my teenage step-daughter would consider cool. Since I've been a stay-at-home-mom for the last 8 months, there wasn't much left after my purge...except my maternity clothes. Apparently working out has not been part of my get busy making life happen all-year-round event.

If you've never worn maternity clothes, I highly recommend it. Even if you are not, or never will have children. Unless you're a dude. Ok, maybe even then. Maternity clothes are SO super comfy. It's like having the flexibility of yoga pants with the style of...um, somthing stylish (I've been home for 8 months remember, I'm not up on my style trail-blazers).

I don't understand why anyone would want to go back to their "regular" clothes again. Eat too much at supper...no problem. Need to conseal a small weapon, again, you're golden. Plus, just give your tum a pat, and voila - the best parking spots, or seats on the bus. So as I head back to corporate world Canada tomorrow I will be wearing maternity clothes! (If my boss is reading this, I was kidding about the weapon part).

I will be wearing maternity clothes?

I will be wearing maternity clothes...

Maybe there is room for one resolution this year.

T-Wrecks

2011-11-05T18:20:00.000-07:00

I have yet to morph my post-baby body back into anything resembling my former physique. I venture outside for 80 minutes each day with the baby in her jogging stroller and the dogs on their leashes for a power walk, despite the cold-enough-to-freeze-the-brass-balls-off-a-monkey wind.

My wardrobe - hovering between the baggy too big things, the maternity things and the tight like a sausage things - is limited. Today I found myself choosing between bundling up in a maternity jacket or my teal Old Navy swing pea coat. I went with option B. It was bad enough that I was sporting maternity jeans. There was no way I could bring myself to opt for a baby-on-board jacket, especially without getting the neighbors talking. Again.

I had to deflate my lungs just to get the top buttoned over my neonatal ta tas. Ok, so breathing was out. Oxygen is so 2010 anyway.

The walk was uneventful, as they typically are. After all, it is my one escape from the house each day. The only 80 minutes I have to "myself" which is all mine (if you don't count cleaning up dog poo, obsessing whether the baby is dressed warm enough/cool enough, contemplating did Joani really love Chachi and why can't we extreme coupon in Canada like you can in the US).

After duty called for the dogs, I reached down to pick up the steaming pile but discovered the flaw in my choice of coat. Because my chest was so constricted, I couldn't move my arms out very far from my body. Like a tyrannosaurus. Except the tranny is trying to bag crap. So I really had to bend down. And that's when my maternity jeans slid south.

I'd like to say this story ends with me keeping my dignity. But let's be honest, after you've had a spotlight on your v-tunnel in a delivery room, dignity becomes extinct.

364 Days

2011-10-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

Forgive me blogger for I have sinned. It has been 364 days since my last ~~confession~~ post.

My transgressions were many, and typically involved gluttony (hey I was eating for two). I have survived Paul going to Afghanistan. Almost giving birth to our daughter in the front seat of an SUV. Gaining weight, losing weight, gaining weight. Indulging in obsessive compulsive cleaning. Not showering for more than 24 hours. Feeling sorry for myself. And most of that's just from today!

I thought life was too busy for you blogger. And now my writing muscle has all but shrivelled up and died a painful death, like Lindsay Lohan's career. Even though I shunned you blogger, you were never very far away [because I like to keep my laptop close incase there's an important status update on Facebook].

But I'm ready to turn back to my writing ways blogger. With your help. And more coffee.

What can I do to atone for these sins? ~~Say 7 Hail Mary's~~ Drink 7 Bloody Mary's?

Done! Perhaps I should add consuming too much alcohol to my list of sins? Yeah, I was only kidding. There's nothing wrong with my sense of humor.

I'm back bitches!

Run In

2010-10-20T10:04:00.000-07:00

Paul and I made a break from the house during a Saturday morning rain storm with the kids in tow. After some minimal-bank-account-damage shopping, we went to a local eatery for some lunch.

My food cravings are out of control. I wanted potatoes! So, without thinking, I ordered fries AND potato skins for a nice little carb/grease double whammy. I will never eat potatoes again. And I've banned the kids from saying the "p" word for a least another week. Even hearing the word makes the vomit start to rise.

Paul had the steak, Aidan a hot turkey sandwich and Kenzie opted for poutine.

After we were good and full (read: food coma), we took the kids to see the new Dream Home. Our city has several "Dream Homes" which are built and tickets are sold in support of local hospitals. It's fun to go and look at the show homes to see what a million dollars of home construction and design looks like. The kids always run around declaring what bedroom would be "theirs" if we won the house (which is always the master bedroom - hey, what can I say, my kids have good taste).

We'd just arrived, and were touring the formal dinning room when 11-year old Kenzie turned to Paul and I, and in a louder-than-it-needed-to-be voice annouced that she had a case of "the runs." She ran to the only operational and open-to-the-public washroom where she stayed for our entire tour of the house.

Being the ever supportive step-mom that I am, I pretended I didn't know my step-daughter and quickly ducked into the urber-garage. That poor million dollar bathroom probably never knew what hit it.

Slide Into Home

2010-09-01T16:07:00.000-07:00

It is a bazillion degrees (celcius) here in city, Canada. You think I'm kidding?

It's so hot I actually slid off the toilet seat and onto the bathroom floor because my ass was sweating so much.

Yeah, it's hot like that.

Before I Was A Blogger...

2010-08-16T16:43:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, the Robinson sisters. Back when we were innocent, and I knew how to rock a pair of Addidas short shorts and a page boy cap. [It's no wonder my parents didn't encourage me to become a fashion designer and it's no wonder I had to explain to random strangers that I was actually a girl, and not a boy].

It's like we're holding onto each other for dear life! But that was back when I was...7? I have no idea how old I am here. I'm the worst with ages (especially my own). I think I'm 5 in every photo I see from when I was a kid. This might explain why I'm always forgetting how old I am, even now.

I said MIGHT explain...

Anyhoo, we had our share of fights. One time I was pretending to catch fish (the fish being my sister's feet - what can I say, I had a great imagination even then!). Unfortunately the "fish" were ticklish and my sister kicked me in the jaw, driving my teeth through my tongue. There is also an apartment wall in the city that will forever be mamed from the high heel that was thrown into it. Luckily my reflexes have improved over time. Thankfully my sister's aim has not.

For the first time in our lives, my sister and I are both the same hair color (L'Oreal Intense Red). There was this one time in university I wanted to become a blonde. So I bleached the red out of my hair. I couldn't decide which shade of blonde to try (why are there so many shades of blonde!?!), so I did what any self-respecting single mom would do - I let my three year old pick for me. Aidan opted for "Tahitian Sunrise". Apparently sunrises are bright orange in Tahiti. I had to work that morning at the university, so a quick fix was in order. I tried to cover the sunrise with a dark chocolate brown, and ended up with midnight black. It was the only time that I've been all four hair colors in 24 hours. Basecaps and dark alleys were my friend.

For the first time in our lives, my sister and I look like we're sisters. It's a nice feeling. Maybe I'm not adopted after all.

Teenie Weenie

2010-07-21T19:07:00.000-07:00

[Disclaimer: I apologize in advance to my mother, who is probably reading this.]

There are certain things I want to cross off my "list" of things to do before I die. Like a bucket list, but I was on to the idea way before the movie ever made it hip. Besides, you know how I like my lists.

So when I got the opportunity to par-take in a bachelorette party over the weekend, I said "sign me up!" [Seriously, you had to get on the list, they're weren't just letting ANYONE in].

This party had several things going for it. #1. I was invited (so obvious), #2. they were going to be serving cosmos...out of a keg! and #3. there was going to be some "entertainment" of the hunky naked variety.

Now I know this is going to be hard to believe, but I (up until this weekend) had never set my eyes [knowingly] on a stripper. I certainly hadn't seen a [professional] strip show (unless you count my Carmen Electra strip aerobics workout video). Afterall, I grew up in a small town. If you called a stripper, he was probably going to turn out to be your grade 12 English teacher, or the local grocery bagboy.

To be honest, I was dead curious. And NOT for the reasons you think. All my weenie wiggler* knowledge came from TV and movies. I was wondering how he was going to fit all those $1 coins in his g-string since Canada no longer has a $1 bill (or even a $2 bill). It brought new meaning to the phrase, shake your money maker. I mean, he could really hurt himself swinging all that coin in his banana hammock. Luckily our hostess (aka my sister-in-law) thought of everything - she'd gotten some $1 american bills at the bank. We played some games which will remain anonymous, and I won a fistfull. I tucked them into my bra (for safe keeping).

I was informed the stripper's name was Tommy (probably not his real name). It seemed kind of unimaginative for a stripper name. I was expecting something exotic like Wild Bill Hiscock or Doctor Feelgood. Sigh.

Alrighty. I could look past the bad name. I was told by my S-I-L that Tommy would be arriving dressed as a cop. Hmmmm, Officer Tommy. Slightly better. Unfortunately he was an hour late, so by the time he showed up with his pimp (I kid you not!) we were well refreshed. My lips were dry from all that drinking and salavating, so I ran to apply some lippy before the main event. I ran into Tommy (literally) in the hallwall. He smiled. Like someone who knew a secret. I noted that his cop hat seemed a bit too big for his head. But who am I to judge? Small headed strippers need to work too.

Ok, forget the lippy. I hauled ass back to the livingroom to get a good seat. The music started... Ladies and gentlemen, what I witnessed was so...so...words can't even describe it. Oh wait, maybe they can. Bare with me.

First of all, it is NOT like the movies. Strippers (well, from my extensive experience with only 1) do not do "tricks". There were possibilities (and I'm not talking crazy Cirque de Soleil shit or anything), but nada. The buck literally stopped there.

Secondly, Officer Tommy was not wearing a standard-issue g-string. He was wearing nothing under his uniform. Now I've never been a police officer, but I think they do a fair bit of bad guy chasing, which could lead to some unpleasant chaffing if you know what I'm saying.

I spent most of the time covering my eyes. I couldn't watch this naked train wreck. Although, to be fair, he never was completely naked. He carried a small (very very small) hand towel in front of his *ahem* pistol, and then later a baseball cap. I found that very odd.

I quickly learned that Tommy was working hard on the girls who's money was peeking out of their bras. So I did what any self respecting married woman would do - shoved my money up my unmarried girlfriend's dress.

Before Tommy was done doin' his thang, our party was crashed by three teenage boys who were walking by and saw the stripper through the window blinds. Also, very odd.

Not to be put-off, my S-I-L asked if we wanted to go to the Rodeo! Turns out the Rodeo is a ~~meat-market~~ country and western bar and not an actual Rodeo. I was bummed, but perked up when I got ID'd at the door. I was just a little too excited about being ID'd so the bouncer took a good look at me (up and down) and decided I was at least 19. Gravity strikes again!

No sooner were we in the door when I was accosted by some yankee looking to take me for a twirl on the dancefloor. I ~~politely declined~~ pretended to be a foreign national who did not speak English. I was debating introducing myself as Ho No from the Orient when I was saved by my S-I-L with two words "mechanical bull." I almost peed in my pants, not just because I was saved from attempting to pull off an Oriental accent, but because I could strike something else off my list. Hopefully, I would not be introducing myself later as Ho Down.

Now, I've never actually seen a mechanical bull in real life. But they look so fun on TV and in movies. Apparently I need to get out more instead of using TV and movies to do life research. Sadly, my showdown with the bronze bronco was put out to pasture (they only take the mechanical bull out during special occasions and having a ~~famous~~ loveable blogger come to your establishment does not count).

I guess I still have a few things to do on that list.

* I cannot take credit for the affectionate term "weenie wiggler". This is what Paul calls male strippers.

Bad Romance

2010-06-25T18:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I read on Facebook that a university pal and former radio station coworker of mine, let's call him Garth*, had just celebrated the birth of his first child. This made me smile because, a) I'm a sucker for babies, and b) it made me reminisce about all the crazy shenanigans that happend during my four years at university. Or as I like to call it, back when you could bounce a quarter off my ass.

We didn't use many first names at the radio station, which in retrospect, probably helped us receive less hate mail. We had been using said nicknames for so long the stories of how those names came to be are long forgotten. Or so I keep telling myself while I avoid attending my class reunion.

But yesterday I could not remember Garth's nickname. And if there's "one" thing that drives me crazy it's not being able to remember something I know. So I'll obsess about it until hours/days/weeks later it pops "like magic" into my head - ta dah! Unfortunately when it pops "like magic" into my head I get so excited that I've remembered something. And I'll blurt it out. At meetings, in the grocery store, on the toilet, wherever. It's like I have Bad Memory Tourettes.

Last night I was lying in bed with Paul trying to think of Garth's nickname. Paul gave me a kiss, and I blurted out "Spanky!" (Spanky was Garth's nickname). Unfortunately Paul thought I shouted "Spank me."

It was an awkward situation all around.

*Garth is definitely NOT his real name. His real name is much cooler. It's also the name of a particularly yummy-licious waffer.

Double Ds

2010-06-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

When I was growing up, there was one thing I always wanted but could never have. Ok, there were actually many things I wanted but couldn't have. Mostly because of my long weird list of allergies - like chocolate and strawberries. But the one thing, above all else that I wanted, was a dog. I didn't care what kind of dog, any old dog would do. Actually, that's not entirely true. I wanted a puppy. One that I would love and teach tricks to, and not shoot if they got rabies. RIP Old Yeller.

I never went thru the "pony" phase like most little girls. I didn't have any use for a pony. Maybe a unicorn in retrospect but purely for the "wow factor". Anyhoo, every night I wished for a dog. I wished so hard I almost peed my pants. My dad (who I might add had SEVERAL dogs growing up) wasn't really keen on the idea. But I was willing to do anything. Even trade my sister to Gypsies.

After we got my sister back from the Gypsies, my dad decided if he didn't want to loose anymore of his daughters, he'd better give in. And that's when I got Oreo (the dog, not the cookie). Oreo was black and white (natch) which is how he got his name. At the time, I thought I was being very clever with his name. You think everything you do is clever when you're 12. Except maybe kissing Shane Fraser on the bus in Grade 6. Ew.

To make a long story short....actually, it is kind of a short story. Oreo only lasted two weeks at our house before my mom took him back to the breeder. Turns out he was needed for a very special doggy mission to space! I always knew Oreo would go places. But still, I cried my little redheaded heart out.

So, I swore up and down that when I got a house of my own I would get a dog. I never expected it to take 20 years to do that. But anyhoo Paul and I decided it was time to add a puppy to the mix. And that's when we got our furbaby, Dexter.

Isn't he just the cutest? He's a lemon beagle.

We didn't worry that his birth furparents had nicknamed him "Lucifer". We found it ironic that we'd picked out the name Dexter (although it has nothing to do with the handsome but twisted serial killer of the same name, nor the Nova Scotian politician). We were over the moon with our perfect pup. Even when he vomitted in my lap on the car ride home. One look at that face, and it was love. That being said, there was definitely an adjustment stage.

Like the time Dexter had a vet appointment and I volunteered to take him solo, so Paul could head to the barber for a much needed de-poof. Dexter decided to sample the corner of the leather ottoman including foam stuffing. Yum! Then he threw up on his bed. I took his bed downstairs to the laundry room to wash off the vomit only to step into flooded basement. To say our water pipe sprung a leak was like saying the Titanic hit an ice cube. Being the handy girl I am, I turned off the water valve.

I called Paul to suggest he call his brother who is a Drain Surgeon, STAT. I raced back upstairs to get Dexter's leash on when the very distinct smell of shit slapped me in the face. I did a Toucan Sam and followed my nose...right to the pile of poo on the floor. After fashioning a glove out of toilet paper, I took a quick breath through my mouth and did some waste removal. It was a two-flusher. I turned on the water in the bathroom to dedoodoo my hands only to remember I turned off all the water in the house because of the leaking pipe.

Twenty-five pumps of the hand sanitizer later...

I got Dexter's leash on, we were FINALLY at the door on our way out to the vet with 10 minutes to get there - no problem since it's only a five minute drive. My stomach sank. Paul had taken my car keys when he left, and the spare key was in the glove compartment...of his car (at the barber - hello!). I sighed, like only an annoyed wife can, took one look at Dexter and said, "Dex, we'll have to run." Did I mention it was pouring rain? To Dexter's credit, he didn't stop (except to poo, seriously, I think he's got a problem). When we burst thru the door at the vet, we looked like two drowned rats. Ah...good times.

After many equally but less poocentric fun adventures like that, we decided to get another puppy. And along came Dixie.

Isn't she the cutest? She's a tri-colored beagle.

We didn't worry that her furparents had nicknamed her "Ms. Dot." And unlike Dexter, Dixie does not have a fecal matter, although she does urinate doing the splits.

So now we have two furbabies, a boy and a girl. We are furfilled petparents. Except...the other night I was writing on my laptop on the couch. Dexter and Dixie were curled up at my feet. There was this empty puppy shaped spot at the end of the couch. I looked at Paul and pouted, "Look there's room for three." I can't remember his exact answer but it went something along the lines of "Nooooooooooooo!" I'm paraphrasing though.

Ok, so it's two puppies. For now. Maybe it's time for a baby anyway ;)

Before I Was A Blogger...

2010-06-15T18:21:00.000-07:00

Yes, because bloggers were once real people too... I've decided to start a new recurring segment (to the horror of my parents I'm sure) called "Before I Was A Blogger." Featuring pictures of moi.

That's me (left), aged 5-ish. Ah, the look of innocence. I'm sure that pre-bunny-boiling smile was a mask I wore while taking very detailed notes in my head about the victimization occuring in this photo. The hair. That outfit. Those socks! Clearly, my parents were partaking in all the 1970's had to offer *wink wink*.

Did I mention my dad is color-blind? Seriously. My dad still thinks I'm a blonde, like my sister. This photo explains why I almost always wear dresses, get a rash within 10 meters of wool, cry during episodes of "What Not To Wear", use a liberal amount of hair gel, have a soft spot for librarians and my therapist on speed dial.

I think all writers experienced some sort of colorful childhood trauma. How boring would it be to write about being normal? So thanks Mum and Dad - I owe you one! I wonder what you'll be wearing at the nursing home? [insert evil laugh here]

xoxo, Erika

This Post Is Brought To You By the Letter "L" As In Luck Rhymes with F**k

2010-06-09T16:08:00.000-07:00

Ever notice how the word "luck" closely resembles another four letter word. A word I usually reserve for...well, ok I use it every other day. So I got to thinking, what if I wrote a post about luck, but replaced it with the word f**k. And then used them interchangeably. Just for fun.

Let's give it a try shall we? Mmmm 'k.

Ah, my husband. My MIL (mother-in-law) always says if Paul didn't have bad f**k he'd have no f**k at all. I know, I know. You're thinking, "how can someone have THAT much bad f**k?" Ladies and gentlemen, my husband is an anti-f**k magnet.

Exhibit A: when we're driving in the car, and Paul's at the wheel, we hit EVERY red light in the lucking city. Especially when we're late. But if I'm driving alone, I get green lights all the way to my destination. I guess I'm just more f**ky than Paul. Although in his defense, this could be a male-thing. I compared notes with my sister Kiki, and apparently BIL (brother-in-law) has the same kind of red light f**k.

Not convinced eh?

Exhibit B: when we're driving in the car and we hit a bump, it's always at the very moment Paul chooses to take a sip from his coffee. While wearing a white dress shirt. This can also happen if we're walking, grocery shopping, sitting on the deck, pretty much anywhere. You can dress him up, but you can't take him out. With a clean shirt anyway. Talk about unf**ky.

Still not convinced eh? Tough crowd.

Exhibit C: we've been trying to sell Paul's Civic since the winter. Despite advertising, we haven't had a single call from anyone remotely interested in buying it. So we got a flashy "For Sale" sign and put it in the car window with our phone number and parked it on the street in front of our house for optimal car-selling positioning.

On our way home from work, Paul and I got a call from my son Aidan (age 13), saying that there was someone at the house about the car. Aidan told the guy that his mum was in the shower, and I'd be out in 20 minutes (if only!). Aidan didn't want to say he was home alone (smart kid). It was raining out, so the guy said he'd be waiting in his car.

I told Paul someone was at the house about the car. We were so excited - our sign worked! After 6 months of not even a single phone call, there was someone at our house who might buy the car. Now we could afford to buy flooring to finish our basement. Maybe our f**k was about to change!

We dashed in the house (still raining). I did a bit of tidying up, and was busy lighting candles to rid our house of a very odd urine-esque smell and catching up with Aidan about his day. There was a knock at the door, and Paul and the guy went outside to look at the car. When Paul came back in I heard him say, "Give me a call, and we'll figure something out." OMG. I couldn't get over everything happening so fast! Talk about f**k!

And that's when I saw Paul's face fall like Niagra. Not only was that guy not buying our car. But he'd smashed into it.

What The Luck.

This Post Is Brought To You By the Letter "U" As In Uterus

2010-06-01T16:19:00.000-07:00

Ok, first let me start by saying I have a love/hate relationship with birthdays. Not just any birthday mind you, strickly only MY birthdays. I'm always super excited (natch, a day all about me!) which is quickly followed by plummeting depression with the realization that I am one year older, and my uterus is one year closer to shriveling up from non-use.

But this year, THIS YEAR, was one of a kind. And not in a good way.

First, I took the day off work. Let's face it, I put up with crazy stuff and rude people at work on a daily basis. Why would I want to do that on my birthday? Exactly. I wouldn't. My birthday is sacred - hello pjs and ice cream!

Paul and I were scheduled to be "kid free" for the weekend. Instead Paul got a call from his ex-wife's husband two days before my birthday asking if we could take my step-daughter for the whole weekend. Not normally an issue (I'm not a wicked step-mom), but I was hoping Paul had a super romantic weekend planned. One that didn't involve kids. Apparently I'm getting naive with age.

Not only were we going to have kid-company for the weekend, Paul hadn't made any plans. Zero. No special birthday supper reservation at my favorite gluten-free eatery. Not even the thought of a drive-thru. Naturally, I diplomatically voiced my disappointment. Yelling can be diplomatic right?

I was beginning to question just what I was going to have to celebrate on the big day. You know, in addition to my decaying uterus and drive thru supper. I decided it might be best to casually mention the type of birthday cake I wanted (gluten-free cheesecake - yum!). Paul's response went something along the lines of "You want cake?!" As if I'd asked for a life-sized pink diamond unicorn statue. Not feeling like the most special wife in the world, I reasoned with myself that Paul would not be that dense. He was most likely playing dumb (he is a natural blonde), all the while planning something uber secret and surprise-filled. Minus the balloons ofcourse since my husband has resigned himself to my unhealthy fear of balloons. Apparently I'm also over-analyzing way too much with age.

Cut to my birthday. Paul made arrangements for my step-daughter to stay with Mom and Dad Paul for the night so we could go out to supper! Proof that giving your husband the stink-eye can work. I decided to let it slide that Paul agreed to pull an extra shift at work the next day.

Supper was delicious! Dessert was delicious! Paul looked delicious! But there was only one way to find out for sure. We headed home for a little boom chicka wow wow. Which is the precise moment that Mother Nature decided to give me her little present. Seriously? Oh period gods how you mock me!

The next day we picked up my step-daughter. She told us how her step-dad picked her mom up at work in a limo with roses and champagne. Then whisked her off on a plane to Toronto for a romantic weekend in some swanky hotel. Hello jaw - meet the floor. That was why I was having a non kid-free birthday weekend? I was gobsmacked that Attila the Hungry had a better birthday than I did (and it wasn't even her birthday!) Not that I'm bitter or anything. Ok, apparently I'm getting bitter with age.

Le Freak

2010-05-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

I was chowing down on supper last night (hamburger sans bun, with some sweet potato pom frites on the side) when I noticed something was amiss. My arm looked different somehow.

After careful inspection, I noticed "it." One singular arm hair blowing in the breeze. How can one singular arm hair blow in the breeze you might ask? Well, it can if a) it's an inch+ long and, b) you are an arm-hair freak and/or a character in a Dr. Seuss book. Paging Thing Two.

It reminded me of my nephew Zach. He may possibly not talk to me EVER for sharing this story. But hey, that's the price you pay for being related to a blogger. Zach has one singular armpit hair that's like two inches long. Not exactly shocking for a 14 year old boy except Zach has no other armpit hair. None. It's so freaky! Even more so because he decided to name it his "pet", and balked at shaving it. I'd hate to see Zach's future therapy bill.

No therapy for me though (this week anyway, my doc's on vacation). I did a little arm-hair-ectomy and yanked it right out. Not exactly dinner table manners. But hey, that's the price you pay for being married to ~~someone with OCD~~ a blogger.

What's Up Doc?

2010-05-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

After Waterslidegate I decided it might be best to find a family doctor.

I found a list of local MDs accepting patients and called numero uno on the list (she was also the only doctor on the list but that a whole OTHER blog post) and took the first available appointment.

Three weeks later...

I wasn't sure about snaging a female doctor. I wouldn't be able to use my double entendre "what's up doc?" Pap smears would be...ok, they'd still be icky at best. But probably slightly less pleasant with a femdoc. When I was single (so very long ago *cough*) getting naked, save for that very fashionable paper half-dress, ensured my body would be viewed by at least one guy on an annual basis. And one who knew his way around (much like my Grade 12 biology lab partner Matt).

I fought the urge to run screaming from the waiting room, and sat patiently for my turn.

An hour and a half after my scheduled appointment time later...

My turn! I walked into office #5 as instructed by the receptionist, and waited for the doctor. Let's call her...Dr. Nice-At-First (Note: NOT her real name).

Dr. Nice-At-First came in, and started asking some basic doctoresque questions. She made notes. Now I'm not a doctor, and I don't even play one on TV, but I think if a patient told me certain things, I naturally would be prompted to ask some follow-up questions.

Example #1:
Femdoc: "How many children do you have?"
Me: "Two."
Femdoc: "So you've had two pregnancies."
Me: "No, only one."

You could practically hear the crickets in the background. Now, if I was the doctor, I'd want to know how my possible-patient had acquired a child she didn't give birth to. But maybe I'm just exceptionally curious.

Example #2:
Femdoc: "Any recent injuries?"
Me: "Yes, I tore all the tendons in my left foot."

NOTHING. Nada. I could have been run over by a car driven by aliens for all she knew. Ok, so Dr. Nice-At-First didn't necessarily have good Q&A skills. I've dated lesser men. And I was willing to overlook it. After all, you never know when you are going to need a family doc. And it's best to get one before you do, or else you're left with...THAT doctor. The one that steps on your breathing tube while trying to take your blood pressure via your ankle in ICU.

I reassured Dr. Nice-At-First I was only looking for a "just in case" doctor, and wanted to stress I am not one of those head-cases that will be in her waiting room every week. Unless they're giving out free samples. The more I talked about it, the less she seemed convinced.

Femdoc said she wanted to take my blood pressure, which was routine. And what do you know...I had a high reading. This was doing nothing for my I'm-normal and don't-need-a-doc routine. She told me to relax, and took the reading again. I wonder if that's what they tell you at the airport while they snap on rubber gloves.

High a second time. I haven't been high twice since university. Dr. Nice-At-First reassured me that in order to be considered someone suffering from high blood pressure she would have to get a high reading on three seperate occasions. Phew - what A relief. I confessed that usually my pressure is so low, they call the coroner. Femdoc ignored me, and proceeded to tell me why my blood pressure might be high (coffee), and why I should keep an eye on it. Oddly she did not mention the fact that Paul mixes whites with darks in hot water washes as a possible cause. Naturally, I listened partially BEFORE I scoffed at her psycho-medicinal babble and went on the defensive why the reading was not accurate: I hadn`t been working out (torn tendons, remember?). Seriously, this doctor had the attention span of my four-year-old nephew. Sorry Ethan.

At the end of my appointment time, Dr. Nice-At-First thanked me for coming, and was showing me out the door of office #5. I turned and innocently asked what happened next, as this was my first doctor-patient try-out. Was Dr. Nice-At-First going to be our doctor? She waffled, and said she'd have to meet Paul first before committing. What the cuss? I felt like we'd just been on a first date, and was asking about date #2, and getting the "I'll call you" line. Had I'd known she wanted to meet Paul, I would have taken him with me. She said getting a doctor was personal, and maybe Paul wouldn't like her. Oh come now Dr. Nice-At-Frist, now's not the time to get insecure. I assured her Paul was looking to jump medical ship as his doctor moved. She thought maybe Paul might want to stay where he was at. What the cuss? Was she even LISTENING anymore?

I was so annoyed that I decided to give Dr. Nice-At-First the ol' heave ho. I mean, who was she to be so picky about being a "just in case" doctor?

So I'm back to being a free medical agent. I guess I'll have to lay off the waterslides for a little while longer.

Telephone

2010-04-28T18:18:00.000-07:00

Don't you hate it when your friend emails you while on vacation to tell you what a FAB-U-LOUS time they're having laying around half naked on a beach drinking free Long Island Iced Tea from a thermos and playing golf in 80 degree weather? Well I sure as hell do.

What's even MORE fun is when your parents do it. And by fun, I mean I wish I was adopted. There's still time Angelina and Brad.

Basically my parents being on vacation brings me back to my emotionally crippling childhood and the fact that my parents went on vacation every year. WITHOUT my sister and I. (Except this one time when I was 10 and all four of us drove from Nova Scotia to Virginia in a Buick with my gastro-intestinally challenged Uncle. Did I mention the lack of air conditioning? Note to self: the smell of 5-day old ass really hangs around a Buick interior. Hightlights of the trip included me fainting in line waiting to tour the White House, swimming in the hotel pool atrium during a thunder and lightening storm, and peeing my pants at the top of the replica Eiffel Tower). Ah memories.

Now that I have kids of my own, I can understand why my parents might have wanted to get away once in a while. ONCE IN A WHILE.

But my parents still go at least once a year sans kids. Right now they're in Florida. And emailing updates of their jet-setting snowbirding adventures south of the border in Yankeeland. Or calling...

Call #1 (Time: 10:45 pm, Paul and I are in bed)
Me: [Caller ID reveals it's Mom's cell] "Hello?"
Silence.
Me: "Hello?"
Nothing. I hang up.

Call #2 (Time: 10:46pm, still in bed)
Me: [Caller ID reveals it's Mom's cell, getting worried] "Hello?"
Silence.
Me: "Hello? HELLO?"
Nothing. I hang up.
Paul: "It must be important, I hope everything's ok."

Call #3 (Time: 10:47pm, half out of bed)
Me: [Caller ID reveals it's Mom's cell, again, even more worried] "Hello?"
Silence.
Me: "Hellooooooo?"
Nothing. I hang up.
Paul: "Geesh, I hope nobody died."

I am reminded again of my childhood when my parents went to Cuba, and my dad electrocuted himself plugging the hairdryer into the wallsocket. Luckily my Mom is a nurse.

Call #4 (Time: 10:49pm, standing up pacing)
Me: [Caller ID reveals it's Mom's cell yet again, and now I'm getting slightly frustrated] "You've got to be f@#$ing kidding me?"
Silence.
Me: "Mom, if you can hear me, I can't hear you!"
Silence.
Me: "Mom! MOMMMMMMMMM."
Nothing. I hang up.

Call #5 (Time: 10:51pm)
Me: [Caller ID reveals surprise surprise it's Mom's cell, I'm laughing hysterically by this point because what else are you going to do.]
Me: "Hello?"
Mom: "Hi honey! Oh, were you in bed?"
Me: "What? Um, yes, Paul and I were trying to get some sleep. Mom, it's almost 11pm here and this is the fifth time you've called."
Mom: "It is?" (laughs)
Me: "Yes, Mom." I regaled the tales of the 5 phone calls, pretty much exactly as written above which only makes my Mom laugh even harder. Plus I'm really funny when I'm overtired. She tries to explain the situation to my dad, aunt and uncle who I can hear yaking in the background.
Mom: "Oh, well I'm not wearing a watch."
Me: "Uh huh. Well, get one."

Unphased, my Mom continues to tell me how beautiful Florida is, the weather is so warm, the beach is fanfuckingtastic, the people are so amazing they poop gold bars. I'm happy for them and everything but the closest thing I've been to a vacation-vacation was during March Break three years ago in Quebec...in winter.

Ok, so I'm slightly jealous. Maybe I'll make myself a Long Island Iced Tea.

A Little Sample

2010-04-25T05:33:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was sitting out on the deck, enjoying a nice glass of [*special*] lemonade [read: alcohol-infused]. Paul was manning the BBQ making supper (chicken and potatoes).

Paul: "I'll have some samples ready for us to try in a minute. I love trying samples."
Me: "Uh huh. So what else do you like to sample honey?"
Paul: " Ha ha. Nice condensation babe."
Me: [laughing] "Do you mean connotation?"
Paul: "I guess that would make more sense."
Me: "Only very."

Paul maintains he is not good at English (unlike moi), because he is an Engineer. Good thing he's cute.

Old Bag

2010-04-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

Today a client (whom I never met before) left me [three] voicemails in which he referred to me at least six times as an "old bag" which I found highly offensive. I mean, I'm not even 35 yet!

The same ~~gentle~~man also suggested I get off my "fat ass" and "do my job." Whoa nelly. Does he really think I have a fat ass? I found it highly ironic that eariler today I had considered getting myself a pair of maternity pants, because all of my pants seem to have shrunk in the wash.

Just another Thursday.

What The Cuss?

2010-04-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

I got a call tonight from my nephew Zach (age 14). He and I are always playing pranks. And by pranks, I mean calling each other using bad fake accents trying to trick one another. Unfortunately, my British accent sounds like a lot like my Chinese accent. And last week, my Australian accent tanked like a 5-day old bran muffin. I knew I had to get creative.

Zach: [something incoherent and teenagery]
Me: "Hello?"
Zach: "Uh, hi Erika, it's me."
Me: "Hello?"
Zach: "Erika!"
Me: 'Hello...is anyone there?"
Zach: "Arg, Erika. It's me."
Me: "Hello...I can't hear you?"
Zach: [louder] "ERIKA CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
Me: "Yes Zach, I can hear you. You don't need to scream."

I like getting calls from Zach. Mainly because I love him, but also to test out some new comedy material. Zach has a great sense of humor (he gets that from me).

I told him about my new favorite movie - the Fantastic Mr. Fox and my latest catch phrase, "What the cuss?"

Zach: "Huh?"
Me: "You know, instead of what the !@#$ you say what the cuss. Cuss is another word for swear (kids these days, so uncultured). "What the cuss" can work in so many instances, I've been using it at least 5 times a day."
Zach: "I still perfer "What the deuce."
Me: "Yeah, I use them interchangeably."
Zach: "So guess what, I'm grounded for months and months."
Me: "What did you do now?"
Zach: "Nothing, I just forgot to empty the dishwasher...once."
Me: "Zachhhhhhh."
Zach: "Yeah, it's true. I lost my PSP. So I told my Dad, well if you're taking that, I'm taking your TV. And Dad said, you can't something away from someone when they paid for it. So I said, Dad, I paid for my PSP. And then he said, well it only applies to adults."
Me: "Sounds like you were winning that argument."
Zach: "Yeah, well, I'm still grounded."
Me: "Don't worry, I'll put in a good word for you."

And I will (are you reading this Kiki?). If not, I'll have to make a call.

In addition to being funny, I also like to take pity on Zach. Not only because that's just the kind of good person I am, but also to ensure that I am his number #1 cool aunt (sorry Amy). I am not dissuaded by the fact that Zach only has two aunts. I am that competitive.

I wonder when my other nephew whats-his-name gets bigger (he's only 3) will we have the same kind of great relationship Zac and I do? And even better, I'll have another chance to be the #1 aunt (sorry Amy)!

Wet n' Wild

2010-04-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

You know when you have what you think is a great idea, and then later it turns out that the idea was actually pretty dumb? No? Really?

I was away on business, at a conference, with my coworkers. Said conference just happened to be in my hometown. The hotel we were staying at who shall remain nameless (sounds like "Falliday Bin") had a hot tub and pool with waterslide (bonus!). Some of us (aka the fun ones) decided after a long day of sitting in training sessions, we'd hit the hot tub and relax. We'd already been poo-pooed the night before by hotel staff for wandering thru the halls with open liquor bottles. Over-starched hotel staff can be such Debbie Downers.

Ever the creative bunch, we decided to fill up some disposable coffee cups with our drink of choice (in my case, wine). After all, it is completely of the ordinary to see people drinking coffee in a hot tub.

So we're relaxing, drinking our "coffee" when the Falliday Bin pool boy comes over to us and thanks us for behaving ourselves. Mmmkay. To me, that sounded like a challenge. And it meant it was time to let loose. I would also like to note that this pool boy was many things, none of them being a boy or cute, and all of them being creepy.

We chugged our "coffees" and moved out of the hot tub and into the pool, where the temperature was somewhere between refreshing and hypothermia. No doubt so pool boy could see some nipples. Never one to be just a floater, I could hear the waterslide calling my name. Perhaps it was the effects of my second cup of "coffee."

I rallied the on-lookers, and got the crowd pumped for my slip n' slide. Not one to pay attention to warnings (exhibit A: my first marriage), I flung myself down the slide feet first, despite the obvious lack of gushing water. Lack of gushing water can mean two things: #1) the baby is not ready to be born, or #2) you are heading down the waterslide at a slower speed than normal. Option #2 is good, because the ride lasts longer.

At the end of the slide, I got ready to swim. Assuming like most sliders that the trough emptied into the deep end of the pool, I was posed for some doggy-paddlng, only for my left foot to be met by the distinct slap of a concrete step. Apparently, there is not a deep end at the bottom of the slide, but a rather large concrete step (which is a very weird place for a concrete step if I do say so myself). Because of the lack of gushing water, I dropped off at the end of the slide, instead of shooting into the middle of the pool.

Once I resurfaced, I drank in the adoration of the spectators, I also drank in some chlorine. And then I cat-called, "I think I broke my foot." Never one to let pain interupt a good time, I ventured down the slide several more times before calling it a night.*

*Calling it a night meant grabbing some poutine (hey, I AM Canadian), playing a heated game of "Left Right Centre" and then catching a cab with my coworkers to the local bar/pool, to win the night's Karaoke prize. Note: we will forever be known as "Charlie's Angels" which is ok, because I've been known as a lot worse things.

Hey, what can I say? I've never been one to let a broken bone/heart/appendage stop me from having a good time. And it's not like I didn't seek medical attention. There was a very...er, short fireman/paramedic at the bar/pool hall who examined me. Yeah, I was a little skeptical at first too, like what are the odds? But he showed me his badge and everything. I didn't know paramedics even have a badge! But whatever. I was doing the responsible thing and getting checked out in between sets of "Help Me Rhonda" and "Bootylicious."

One of my coworkers (aka Charlie) stepped in because he heard me yelling "No! No!" and thought this guy was a sicko with a foot fetish. I assured Charlie, he was trying to touch my gimpy foot to see if it really was broken. The paramedic said, in his medical opinion, my foot was not broken. Just f**ked up. Which is quite the medical term. So I limped and danced the rest of the night away to chants of "Go Gimpy, it's your birthday" which was weird because it was actually Charlie's birthday.

The next day I limped right into the Emergency Room. I felt like an idiot explaining to the doctor how I potentially broke my foot. Not as much of an idiot as when I once explained to a doctor about the time I broke my hand playing balloon volleyball against my cousin Anita (don't ask!). Turns out the fireman/paramedic was right. I didn't break my foot. But I did get a cool pair of crutches. And by cool, I mean, pain in the ass (and other places - it hurt to apply deodorant for a week).

I learned a valuable lesson on that business trip...if you want to win Karaoke, skip The Beach Boys. And once you "earn" the nickname Gimpy, it will stick forever.

Hello Ice Cream, It's Me Erika

2010-03-22T09:47:00.000-07:00

There is not enough ice cream in the world to motivate me today. Perhaps this is because ice cream now gives me a bad case of projectile diarrhea. Then again, is there ever a good case of projectile diarrhea? Pounds lost be damned.

It has been 10 days since my last jelly bean. Coincidentially, it has been 10 days since I've been at work.

Vacation is a funny thing. And by funny, I mean boring. I remember now why I don't take vacations. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm off-the-clock and not shacked up in a tropical hut with Paul sipping penis coladas.

There are things I want to do: write a book. But I have writer ADHD, hense the blog. I'm all about the short snappers. But lately I can't even muster the creativity for a post, let alone a whole chapter. So, I decided to morph my book into a clever collection of short stories. Snapity snap. So far, I have a clever collection of possible short story titles. Perhaps I can just do a book of short story titles?

This drives me crazy to no end, ie. the bottom of a wine glass. I totally need to get out of this rut. I keep waiting for some thing, some one to bitch-slap me back to my self-inflicted goals. I know I should be the one to deliver that kind of a blow. But I'm really getting into Ellen and Oprah and other ~~possible procrastinatingly-friendly daytime TV~~ research.

Barber-Ah

2010-03-01T06:54:00.000-08:00

Paul agreed to let me cut his hair. On purpose. [Insert evil laugh here].

Paul's hair could be cut every week it grows so fast. Like a Chia Pet. In fact, it should be cut every week or it turns into a male version of the bouffant. Personally, I prefer my man with a closer cut. Not quite David Beckman short, but then again, not quite Edward Norton long. More of a Bradley Cooper length.

Paul is used to going to a "fancy" barber where the girls have things pierced that shouldn't be, tatts, tight clothes and big boobs. My barbering wardrobe of choice...yoga pants and a tank top.

I routed out my trusty hair clippers which hadn't been used since...well, they had actually never been used [shhhhhh]. Luckily (for me) it came with some handy "how to" instructions. [Note to self: try not to let your test subject see you reading "how to" instructions. It really doesn't instill confidence.]

The last time I had cut a guy's hair, I used scissors. I also ended up cutting off a tiny piece of his ear. Drama ensued. And my son has never let me forget it. Personally, I think it gives him character. Who needs a fully intact ear? People need quirks.

After a quick pep talk ["I will not make Paul look like Da Vinci"] I took a deep breath, and plugged in the clipper. I turned it on. I turned it off. I turned it on again.

After the 5th "Are you sure you know what you're doing?" I asked Paul if I could have a quick glass of wine before I began. I find I am a better bowler after a glass of wine, so I assumed the same applied to hair cutting. Afterall, they both involve hands and shiny objects. (For the record, Paul wanted a sober stylist).

Now I was getting a bit nervous. After all, what if I ruined his follicle hotness?

Sometimes when I get a bit nervous, I get the giggles (this was one of those times). I flicked the switch and started buzzin' away. I tried to go slow and steady, but every so often the clipper would surge and a loud "ZZZZzzzz" erupted. Naturally, this was followed by a look of horror from Paul, wondering if I'd just given him an unintentional bald spot (I didn't). But the look on his face made me laugh even harder, which only made Paul more paranoid. He kept asking whether he could cut my hair in return (for the record, cutting girl's hair is SO different).

To make a long story short (no pun intended), I did the best job I could. Unfortunately, the best job I could made Paul's head look pumpkin-esque. And there's this one spot, not matter how many times I cut it, still stuck out. I begged Paul to try some pomade. It helped. [Slightly.]

Perhaps not everything that comes with "how to" instructions should be attempted. I mean, how could guys hair be so complicated? I wonder if this is how the Trump's barber feels.

If It Ain't Broke...

2010-01-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

During my single mom years I was accustomed to doing certain things without imput, and on my own. If I wanted to rearrange the furniture, I did. Paint the walls Antiqua Sunset, no problem. Cook fish cakes, yummy. I became very multi-talented, I had to.

When you're married, you have to keep you're partner in mind unless you find the couch especially comfy. I don't get out the tool box anymore, because I know Paul likes to do the "man thing" and give the home repairs a go. Although I do miss sporting my pink tool-belt (it's bitchin').

So what's the problem you say? Oh nothing much, except the balance of my sanity.

We had some "fix it" things on our to do list: hang a shelf, install a phone, hang a picture. Jobs which should have taken 30 minutes. Altogether. Tops.

The shelf hanging went ok. Installing the phone proved to be a bit more tricky. Paul had to put a new phone plate in the room. While hooking up the wires to the plate, one of the wires somehow found its way into a cut on Paul's hand and he electrocuted himself. Several choice words later...the phone was connected. But without a dial tone. Against my better judgment, I let Paul go downstairs to the basement, and poke around the electrical panel. He disconnected and connected wires. He flicked switches. Several choice words later...the phone still did not have a dial tone, and now none of the phones in the house worked.

An hour and a half later...

All of the house phones were back in working order (including the newly installed one). We had one task left to go - hang a picture. We picked the perfect spot. Out came the drill. Out came the F-bomb. Paul had managed to drill through a water pipe inside the wall and now water was leaking down thru the dry wall. Talk about luck!

There is now a 6x6 hole in the wall where the drywall had to be cut, the hole filled, and wall patched. God love Paul. He tries, he really does. But I'm considering putting a lock on the tool box, and hiding the key. Preferably nowhere near electricity.

**During the writing of this post, Paul informed me he broke the downstairs toilet. I think I'm going to have to either hurt Paul's male pride, or we're going to need to move to a new house soon.

New house it is!

Mind Your Mouth

2010-01-09T14:08:00.000-08:00

Instead of reaching for my usual bottle of Boost yesterday at lunch, I opted to dash across the street from my office building to "Sounds like Tubway" for a wrap.

I was greeted by the usual "Sounds like Tubway" guy who is always in one of only two possible moods: mysteriously brooding, or fun and flirty. As soon as I saw him, I knew which mood it was going to be. He wearing a black button shirt (which I'm sure is not part of the standard-issue Tubway uniform); the collar was popped, and there was major Saturday Night Fever decolletage happening. Wait, is that a GOLD CHAIN?

I couldn't look, and I couldn't turn away. Just. Order. Something.

So, I ordered my usual chicken bacon ranch wrap. Cheese, yup (shredded). Veggies, yup (lettuce, onion, tomatoes, green pepper, pickles). When "Sounds Like Tubway" guy is in a brooding mood, he puts on a little bit of veggies, despite pleas for "more more more". When "Sounds Like Tubway" guy is in a fun and flirty mood, he puts on lots AND LOTS of veggies. Enough that if you were eating a sandwich as your only meal that day before a weekend of love-making it would be enough to sustain you. We're talking VEGGIES.

Bit of pepper. Almost done, minimal talking to avoid mentioning something about the chestfest happening at eye level.

And then...the sauce.

When "Sounds Like Tubway" guy is in a brooding mood, he puts on lots of sauce, despite pleas for "just a little bit." When "Sounds like Tubway" guy is in a fun and flirty mood, he puts on lots AND LOTS of sauce, despite pleas for "just a little bit".

Me: "Woa, guy. You're squirting that sauce all over the place. I like it saucy but not THAT much."
OMG did I just SAY that?
Tubway Guy: [smiles]
Ok, be cool. Pretend you did not just say that.

He rolls up my wrap. It's so full of veggies, it barely closes.

Me: "That's so big, how am I going to fit it all in my mouth?"
OMG did I just SAY that?
Tubway Guy: [winks]

I pay for my wrap and dash back across the street. How will I fit it in my mouth indeed, what with my foot in there and all.

Bull

2009-11-25T12:47:00.000-08:00

I'm a Taurus (don't pretend to be surprised).

Today, my horoscope said: "Let your hair down a bit. Take time to learn more about an adversary, a client, or an attractive new hook-up."

What my horoscope should have said: "Pull your hair out a bit. Take time to fight with your husband, a coworker or random @$$!&*^. Your PMS will be in overdrive causing you to consider a self-hysterectomy. But you're too squeamish. Instead, listen to your ovaries scream "I'm melting" like the Wicked Witch of the West as they come closer and closer to shrivelling up."

Or something like that.

Spanks But No Spanx

2009-11-20T12:28:00.000-08:00

*WARNING: If you are a guy, stop reading this post right now. Keep reading and women will become slightly less mysterious, and slightly more bizarre.* Don't say I didn't warn you.

I pride myself on my looks. That's why when Momma wants to look extra special (i.e. less lumpy and more yummy), she pulls out what any other self-respecting woman would...a "slim cognito seamless mid-thigh shaper" ofcourse! (Try saying that 5 times fast). It's better known by its dressing room name - Spanx.

Sure, it takes the coordination of a NASA astronaut docking at the spacestation to cram yourself into one. But just like the advert says, it will make the inches disappear! That's because Spanx pushes your love handles from your hips to somewhere amongst your internal organs. But man, you look good. You could bounce a quarter off that ass. Trust me, I've tried.

Lately I've come to realize that I've been wearing the Spanx just a little too much. My one and only pair, has given out. My Spanx have lost their will to ~~torture~~ contain my womanly overcurves. I didn't even know that was possible. Sigh.

Coincidentally, number of days without jelly beans = 0

First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage, Then Comes Boredom?

2009-11-17T08:48:00.000-08:00

I haven't been posting as much lately due to a shortage of juicy post-worthy stories. I never expected married life to be so...uneventful. After all, we are talking about me here. Boredom, commonality, these are not words I know. Ok, I do know them (after all I am a master of the English language) but I don't KNOW them know them.

I never thought I'd miss certain parts of my single gal life. The adventureous part. The never knowing what was going to happen next part. The where-will-I-be-in-2 years part. A big piece of my personality was tied to me being single.

I just might be slipping into a matrimonial identity crisis.

Don't get me wrong. I love Paul. I love being married to Paul, and the hunka hunka burning love we have. But there's just something missing. Drama? Definitely. Shopping til I drop? Unfortunately. Quirky Erika? Quite possibly.

I've got to get ME back.

Ho Down

2009-11-04T09:01:00.000-08:00

I have a pair of cords (hurrah!). But not just any old pair. They are a cool shade of mint green. When I wear them I feel comfy and slightly like a gay man (not that there's anything wrong with that). Mint green is not a color pulled off by the masses.

The best part - these cords were FREE - a donation courtesy of Katrina (my S-I-L, not the hurricane).

After a particularly rough morning (3 irate hanger uppers and decaf coffee), I decided to head on down to "Sounds like Jim Nortons" for a cup of java (the drink, not the Indonesian island). Being the uber multi-tasker that I am, I dediced to drop off my 5 outstanding library books along the way. [Hey, I said I was a multi-tasker, not a pays-attention-to-due-dates person].

I was 10 steps away from the cross walk when I heard a distint "pop" noise. Not a sound you want to hear at the best of times, unless it involves champagne or your virginity.

Then I remembered the one reason I do not like my cords. The top button (a snap, literally) pops at very inopportune times. Like when I'm walking. Shopping at the grocery store. Sitting in the car/office/dentist chair. Laying down. Actually, that last one is ok. I'd like to think said "popping" is not from the couple of pounds I've added to my hips, but rather, because it's a sin to keep my body under wraps. And the pants know it. Yes, that's it.

*avoids eye contact*

I attempted to ignore the fact my pants had become unhinged. After all, there's the fail safe I'd like to call a zipper, which keeps everything in line. Except, I could feel the zipper start to give way, inching down. Very slowly. And with every zipper tooth, my pants slid slightly farther down my hips.

Not one to panic, I cleverly used my overdue library books to cover up the evidence, holding them stragetically in front of my crotch. Tightly. I increased my walking pace, hoping to reach the safety of the drop-off box inside the library entrance before my pants became leg warmers. Luckily the drop-off box has a piller nearby, so I could put myself back together without too much attention. (Mr. Security Guard, I saw you checking me out BTW. You too, homeless guy).

Happy to have my pants back up where they belonged, I skipped merrily along to "Sounds Like Jim Nortons" for my coffee (now upgraded to a Large single single).

Unfortunately, I can add "skipping" to the list of things not to do when wearing my cords. Luckily, I'd orded that Large coffee.

Crotch Rot

2009-10-02T05:11:00.000-07:00

I woke up in the AM and with my eyes still shut tight, asked Paul "Is it Friday yet?"
"Yes" he replied. Which was cruel because that was yesterday morning, when it was still only Thursday.

But today it really really is Friday. And how can I tell? I was enjoying my second morning coffee until I missed my mouth and spilled coffee all over my crotch. Not once...but twice. Clean up on ~~aisle~~ lap #7

Now instead of looking like the put-together-girl of the office, I resemble the peed-her-pants-girl of the office. No offense Lisa.

Is it just me, but are Fridays sometimes Mondays in disguise? Oh? Just me then. Damn.

Bean Counter

2009-09-30T16:49:00.000-07:00

Current weight = ?
Number of days without jelly beans = 0
Number of jelly beans consumed today = 22
Number of calories per 14 jelly beans = 10
Number of calories consumed from jelly beans today = 172
Number of calories burned during lunch time workout = 104
Number of calories actually burned today = minus 68

Now I remember why I never liked math much.

Calorie [Mis]Count

2009-09-29T18:40:00.000-07:00

A coworker brought an elliptical machine into work, one they just had laying around the house [clothing rack]. It was parked it in the office "common area" [vacant cubicle].

~~It was a noble effort to help our healthy workplace initiative~~ It was the start of our exercise more, eat less crap initiative.

After weeks of admiring the elliptical from afar [stubbed my toe on it once] I decided to get my ass in gear and give it a go. Back when I used to have a gym membership [when blackberries were just really yummy fruit] I used to be quite the exercise machine queen. Well, more of a drama queen who likes to exercise. But who am I to split hairs. If it's one thing I can't stand, it's split ends.

Perhaps some office exhaustion would be just the thing to take my mind off my jelly bean cravings.

It's always good to start off a new exercise plan on a Monday [Monday is the suckiest day of the week, and couldn't possibly suck any more by sweating your ass off followed by sitting around the office stewing in your own sweat juices]. Monday. The day I remembered my workout clothes. But no MP3 player. Ok, meditation it is.

It always takes a couple minutes to ~~get used to~~ swear at the controls on a you've-never-used-it-before exercise machine. Luckily, I'm a natural with gadgets [I just hopped on and started moving my feet]. It was so quiet without my tunes. Let's be honest, working out is just not as inspirational without "Eye of the Tiger" blaring.

I must have been the first one to use the elliptical in a while, it had the tell-tale sign of abandonment [squeaked like a bed during twenty-something marathon sex]. Ok, meditation is out.

I was stunned by how hard it was. Sure, I'd never used an elliptical machine before, but I was no stranger to the treadmill or stepper. Ok, it had been a while since my last mechanical workout but seriously...is it supposed to be this hard? Um, that was a rhetorical question.

After 5 mintues I was drained. But I kept going out of sheer stubborness [I am a natural redhead after all]. I started pressing random buttons, trying to locate the tension [it was on the hardest setting].

Next my focus switched to the calorie count. I couldn't believe it - 263 calories in only 9 minutes! I am woman, hear me roar. Or pant. Panting is all you'll get right about now. My only thought - I might actually burn off that chocolate bar I ate during my coffee break [might = doubted]. Imagine my disappointment when I realized I was reading the wrong screen. I didn't burn 263 calories, I had "traveled" 2.63 kilometers. My calorie burn was only at 62.

I stuck it out for 12 minutes, and 92 calories. It wasn't one of my finer moments. Or one of my firmer moments. But it's a start. And I didn't think of jelly beans once. Until now.

Junkie

2009-09-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have realized something. And it's major. *Takes deep breath*

I. Am. A. Junkie.

And my insatiable craving of choice...Jelly beans. Sweet sugary colorful little jelly beans.

Sure, sure laugh it up. I did at first. Personally, I blame "sounds like Toppers Hug Mart", our local drug store. How ironic is that my addiction to Jelly Beans started in a drug store? That was a rhetorical question.

Anyhoo, "sounds like Toppers Hug Mart" was having a sale on Jelly Beans (or as they are known on the street, JB). It was $0.99 CDN for a bag. So I bought one.

It was so good. I savoured every bean (except the black ones, no offense, but I've never cared for the taste of black licorice much). I ate the whole bag in one afternoon. Sure, sure, I shared some with my coworkers. After all, if I'm packing on the pounds, I want them right along with me for the ride. Yeah, I'm thoughtful like that.

I told myself I ate the whole bag because I needed the sugar to get through the rest of the afternoon at work. But the same thing happened the next day. I told myself it's just because they are on sale, once the sale's over, I'll quit the JB, cold turkey.

That was 2 months ago. They're still on sale (now down to $0.79). And they got me hooked. Buying just one bag doesn't do it for me anymore, I have to buy two bags just to get that same sugar rush feeling.

I realized my habit was becoming a problem when I started to feel embarrassed taking a bag of Jelly Beans up to the cash register each and every day. I wondered if the "sounds like Toppers Hug Mart" employees whispered about me behind my back [here she is again boys, the Jelly Bean girl]. Cashiers can be so cruel.

Then I started to see who was working at the cash before taking my purchase up. Was it the same guy as yesterday? Monday? I felt relief when it was someone completely different. They wouldn't judge me. Me and my Jelly Beans.

After a while that stopped working. Every cashier at the store knew my little secret. So, I started buying other things to accompany my JB bag purchase. Sure, I didn't need deodorant that day, but I would need it some day, right? I didn't exactly need that can of tuna, or can of bug spray either (it's 15 C here in Canada right now, all the bugs are dead). But I'd need those items some day, right?

I said right?

I even started eating the black jelly beans. I couldn't bare to throw them out anymore. And you know what, now I like them too. Once you go black, you never go back.

Yes, I know, I have a problem. My name is Erika, and I'm a Jelly Bean eater.

Hop, Skip and A Jump

2009-09-22T18:28:00.000-07:00

Nothing beats a great pencil skirt, unless ofcourse it's a great pencil skirt which was given to you for free from your stylist S-I-L (sister-in-law).

I went for my usual morning [decaf] coffee run. Not that there was much running. In fact, my pencil skirt was so...form fitting that my normal 10 minute jaunt, took 25 minutes of very small, hip swivelling steps. I felt like a 1950's secretary. It was exhausting.

The rubber necking from the construction workers on the street made it worth the trouble. That is until I returned to my office building, only to learn my skirt was too tight to climb back up the steps to my building.

So, being the crafty do-it-yourself kinda gal, I put my peep-toe heels together and hopped up each and every step. Sure, I probably looked a bit off. After all, hopping isn't exactly sexy unless you're hanging out with Hugh Hefner. But I made it back to my desk. Coffee intact. Pride...not so much.

Things That Make You Go Hmmmm

2009-08-25T15:42:00.000-07:00

Much like the countdown to Christmas, there was a countdown to the new (and first!) H&M store at the city mall. For two months shoppers got to look longingly at the humungo posters announcing its big reveal date.

Now I had never been in an H&M store before. I had no idea the wonders that awaited me. How many times had I spotted a need-to-have outfit in Glamour only to learn the outfit was available exclusively at H&M? Too many times. Or so my therapist will tell you.

The grand opening was taking place during our honeymoon. But in true Erika-style, I creatively (and carefully) arranged for us to be back in the city by then.

I was giddy when we got to the mall. I had to wait no more. Finally new and exciting fashions were a credit card swipe away. Security was tight. "Guards" were posted at each of the entrances. One of them gave me the twice-over. Sure, I was carrying a bag big enough to stow a small child. But seriously, does this look like the face of a shoplifter? *Gives innocent hot chick look.* Exactly.

I strolled around the store. Real nonchalant like. All the while I was screaming "Yes! Yes! Yes!" like a retail orgasmic Megan Ryan. And then it hit me. Wait a minute. Wait just a @#$*ing minute. This is IT? These are the clothes I've been lusting for? This can't be. I hunkered down, and went hunting. Maybe I just wasn't paying close enough attention. I'm sure the cool clothes were right in front of me.

Then I spotted it. A cute shirt. FINALLY! I casually sauntered up to it. Ran my fingers over the collar and down the sleeve. Now this is more like it. And then I looked up...what the @#$*? I was in the Maternity section. Maybe, just maybe I could pull it off. Not look pregnant or anything, but make a maternity shirt seem less maternity, and more mama mia.

Or not.

Dickless

2009-08-18T14:44:00.000-07:00

Hotmail (or Live.com) or whatever catchy name you're calling yourself this week, I have a bone to pick with you. When I created this blog, Life With Dick, I was so excited when I learned that lifewithdick@live.com was an available email name. I filled in your form, I accepted your terms, and what's the thanks I get? You delete my email account. Pricks.

So, I signed up again today. But I added "blog" to the end of the address in hopes that some shmuck who reads these email address requests will catch on that I'm not just some big dick lover. Nay, I am an educated big dick lover, come writer.

While lifewithdickblog@live.com is not as catchy as lifewithdick@live.com, I will have to rise above. Hotmail you suck.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

2009-08-14T17:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Mother Nature,

Thanks for getting me a wedding present - my period. Although, I don`t remember registering for that at Sears.

So much for having lots of wedding night sex! Luckily my groom got too tipsy and passed out. Like you`re going to be around tomorrow night to help me talk my way out of this one.

I guess what they say about marriage and no sex is true.

Thanks again,

Erika

We Did!

2009-08-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. Paul and I said "I do." It still hasn't sunk in yet. I am Mrs. Paul. Or to be exact, I'm Mrs. Dick. Paul's first name is actually Richard. But he goes by his middle name. Catch up - things are going to get more complicated.

So, where was I? Ah yes, the big day.

Despite getting a very big case of the "oh-my-god-I-am-so-nervous" gitters just before I walked down the isle, things went smoothly. Well, "smoothly" is a nice way of saying it all worked out well in the end. A quick pep talk from my sis, and a bitch slap from my photographer did the trick.

We laughed. We cried. Paul couldn't get the ring on my finger, so I yelled, "push honey, push." Ah memories.

I did not get seasick over the side of the ship. So that was good. Although I drank a wee bit too much wine. Well, "wee bit" is a nice way of saying Lindsay Lohen would have told me to slow down. Not so good. But in my defense, I hadn't eaten since breakfast. Luckily Paul didn't seem to notice. He was too busy looking at me with goo goo eyes.

At the end of the evening, we did something we've never done before (and were saving until our wedding night) - we danced! Geeze, what were you thinking? Sure, it was slightly awkward, and uncoordinated but what can one expect for their first time dancing together? We felt like teenagers.

We didn't get to bed until almost 3am. I didn't want the night to end. It was all so fabulous and amazing. After all of those bad dates with jerks, it was all worth it for this moment. For this man.